


even at the end of the world, it's going to be you

by Milju_Jujae_tbz (Deedee78965)



Category: The Boyz (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Tragedy, Car Accidents, Drama, Established Relationship, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss, Mental Instability, Milju, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Romance, Romantic Soulmates, Sad Ending, Song Lyrics, Soulmates, Starcrossed Lovers, Tragedy, jujae
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:55:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 10,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26627863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deedee78965/pseuds/Milju_Jujae_tbz
Summary: In which Juyeon and Hyunjae are soulmates, but they’re eternally fated to never once end up together.Tangled in a web of miscommunications, deteriorating friendships, class struggles, and delusions, this short anthology series of Hyunjae and Juyeon, star crossed lovers - no, star-crossed soulmates is a glimpse into four of their lives spent together.
Relationships: Lee Jaehyun | Hyunjae/Lee Juyeon
Comments: 14
Kudos: 21





	1. .prologue

Soulmates. The idea that two people are fated for one another, that their souls are cut from the same cloth, that they belong together. An idea that has fascinated and thrilled people on no end.

The red string of fate. Names appearing on your wrist at a certain age. A timer ticking down on your skin until you finally meet your soulmate. Your entire world being colourless until you meet your one true soulmate. There are numerous tropes that have been used throughout time to tell the tale of soulmates.

But we’re not going to be exploring any of those today (perhaps at a later date). Instead, today’s soulmate pick is the idea of reincarnation. That no matter how many times you are reborn, your soulmate stays the same. Changes may occur to your gender, your appearance, your ethnicity, but the constant is your soulmate.

And in this world of death and rebirth, we stumble across two unfortunate souls; two halves of a whole, two sides to one coin, a pair of soulmates, destined to love and complete one another.

But yet, fate is a fickle mistress, for she listens to no one.

Not even soulmates.

Lee Hyunjae. 

Lee Juyeon. 

Their names were written in the stars long before the stars even existed. Entwined with one another so  _ deeply _ that no one would be able to tell were one ended and the other started. Two souls that were so closely interwoven that there’s no chance for them to find complete solace and  _ love  _ in anyone else but each other.

And yet, their fate is the opposite - destined to hurt one another.

Like a moth drawn to a flame, like a wolf longing for the moon. 

Pairs that can never work out.

Is there hope for them? These seemingly star-crossed lovers, these pre-destined soulmates who can never be together - would it be possible for them to find some sort of love in the time they have with one another?

Or is it all too futile, with fate ripping them apart at every given chance?

After all, true love overcomes all...right?

Come on the journey with me to find out in this anthology featuring Hyunjae and Juyeon across multiple lives, two people who are the same, yet different in every iteration. 

_ “머리는 지운 것을 심장이 기억한다” _

_ “The heart remembers what the head erased” _


	2. .1004

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by BAP's _1004 (Angel)_

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_ 어디론가 나를 떠나버린 천사 같은 너 _

_ You’re like an angel that has left me and gone somewhere _

Hyunjae bites his fingernails as he glances at the screen of his phone. It’s been a whole two weeks since he’s last talked to Juyeon, his boyfriend. 

A sigh escapes his lips. Hyunjae doesn’t know how it got to this - all he remembers is that they fought. He doesn’t even remember why or over what - he just knows that he got so very angry and then Juyeon...Juyeon just left. He just got up, and he walked out the door, car keys in hand, and he just left.

And Hyunjae hasn’t heard from him since.

His phone buzzes and Hyunjae jumps, turning to look at it, only to let his shoulder drop when he sees the notification from his phone provider telling him about a ‘new bundle’ offer.

At first, Hyunjae was upset. His mind was everywhere, and he wanted to cry, to scream to punch something, all at once. But then slowly, that fire gave out. And he was left feeling so very  _ empty _ , like his chest cavity was hollow; as if Juyeon took his heart with him when he walked out that door, and refused to give it back.

_ ‘It’s not like Juyeon to just...leave like that,’  _ Hyunjae thinks to himself as he picks at a hangnail. They’ve had their fair share of fights in the past, as every couple has. But they usually resolved themselves within a few days. Never has it escalated to this point; where Juyeon actually stormed out, basically ignoring Hyunjae.

_ ‘It’s not like I’ve tried calling him either,’  _ Hyunjae thinks, picking up his phone again. He knows he should apologize - but for what? Shaking his head, he tosses his phone onto his bed, sighing. The fact he can’t even remember what they were arguing about is driving him insane. What little thing did he blow out of proportion to the point that Juyeon hasn’t said a single thing?

_ ‘He must be really mad,’  _ he thinks as he resumes biting his nails. He hisses in pain when he accidentally digs too deep into his skin, pulling his hand away from his mouth to see blood well up - he really has to stop doing that.

Sucking on his finger, Hyunjae looks back at his phone once more, before sighing. He can’t sit here waiting for Juyeon to contact him, he has other things to do as well.

_ ‘I’ll just wait until he cools down. He’ll let me know when he’s ready to talk,’  _

* * *

Three days later and he still hasn’t heard a thing.

The silence is eerie. He hates it, how quiet it is - both his apartment and his phone. The usual cute morning wakeup texts are replaced with Hyunjae rapidly scanning his stray notifications only to be met with silence; his own disappointed face staring back at him when the screen fades to black. 

His fingers itch to call Juyeon, to text him, to just check up on him. Ask him how he’s doing. If he’s eaten. How his day was. If he was still mad at Hyunjae. But everytime he works up the courage to try and say  _ something _ it gets washed away by waves of doubt and fear.

Fear that Juyeon hates him now, that Juyeon would lash out again for Hyunjae being so  _ clingy _ . Besides, Hyunjae knows he wouldn’t be able to face Juyeon and properly apologize for something he can’t even remember. 

He rubs his face as he stares at his computer screen blankly, before glancing back at his phone. Tapping the screen shows no notifications and Hyunjae is letting out a sigh as he turns to look back at his laptop, hoping work would magically get done if he stared hard enough.

His thoughts are broken when the shrill ring of his phone disturbs the silence and Hyunjae jumps, hurriedly picking up the phone only to see the caller id read “Chanhee”

Less enthusiastic, he answers the call, raising the phone to his ear. “Hello?”

_ “Hey hyung! I was wondering how you’ve been doing lately,”  _ Chanhee’s voice is loud, even over the phone and Hyunjae smiles a bit to himself. At least some things never change.

“I’m okay. Been a bit down lately, but nothing too...extraordinary,” he says, not wanting to worry Chanhee. It’s true - Juyeon’s absence has left a cold hole in his heart and his home, but it’s not like the world is falling apart. He’ll be back.

_ “That’s good to hear! Listen, Younghoon hyung and I were thinking of going to that cafe we always used to meet at, with Kevin and Jacob hyung too. You wanna join?”  _ Chanhee asks and Hyunjae hums, glancing at his calendar. “When were you thinking of going?”

_ “Any time this week works - except for Thursday’s,”  _ Chanhee chirps back and Hyunjae hums once more before saying, “Friday works for me,”

_ “Alright! See you then!”  _ Hyunjae smiles to himself before hanging up, eyes going to check his notifications again. Nothing. He lets the smile slide from his face slowly, as he sighs once more, letting his head fall back. He feels so  _ suffocated _ , like he wants so badly to  _ do  _ something but he can’t.

_ ‘It’s always been Juyeon in the past. He’s always been the one to come back, to apologize, to fix things. I don’t know what to do now that he’s no longer doing all of that,’  _ Hyunjae thinks, eyes staring blankly at the ceiling.

Juyeon was always the one who got the ball rolling. Just a simple text asking where Hyunjae was, or telling him he was coming over to talk after their arguments usually made Hyunjae feel nervous - but right now he would be over the moon to just get a single period from him. He just wanted confirmation that Juyeon wasn’t mad anymore, that he still  _ loved _ him.

_ ‘Don't be silly. Of course Juyeon still loves me. He wouldn’t throw away years of a relationship just because of a silly fight...right?’  _ Hyunjae is biting his nail again, as he looks at his phone. 

He’s half debating going to some of Juyeon’s favourite places and awkwardly lingering there while hoping to ‘accidentally’ bump into Juyeon but he knows that wouldn’t work - it would take some serious guesswork and even if he did manage to spot Juyeon, it would be super suspicious. There’s no way he would be able to play it off.

Hyunjae sighs, as he leans back against his couch, eyes closing. This is getting ridiculous - the way he can’t think of anything but  _ Juyeon  _ is driving him insane. Even when he’s trying to sleep his mind is running a mile a minute thinking about him, if he’s still upset, why he hasn’t called or texted yet, if he would even respond if Hyunjae sent him a text, if he wants to break up or not.

The last one has Hyunjae pausing. No. Let’s not go there, not now. It’s been a long day and he really doesn’t need to even  _ think  _ about that at the moment.

He stares at his laptop for a few more seconds before shaking his head. This isn’t going to work. He’s in no state to get any work done, especially with the way his mind is awhirl, it’ll be better for him to try and get more than five hours of sleep. The fact that he had three cups of coffee today and he  _ still  _ feels like he might fall asleep any moment is worrying enough, which is why he snaps his laptop shut and gets up to get ready for bed.

It’s about an hour and a half later that Hyunjae is lying in bed, staring at the screen of his phone once more, before shaking his head and placing it on his bedside table. He’s not going to be able to sleep if he continues staring at that device - which is why he ends up putting it in the drawer.  _ ‘Out of sight, out of mind,’  _ he thinks before reaching for the novel he started reading a while ago and never finished. He pauses when his eyes land on the picture on his nightstand - it’s one of him and Juyeon, both of them mid-laugh and with cute little character headbands on at Lotte World, where they went for one of their first dates.

Smiling softly, Hyunjae picks the picture frame up, looking at the scene with such fondness in his eyes. He remembers how much he panicked over his outfit, asking both Younghoon and Chanhee if he looked okay about a million times, before totally forgetting about what he was wearing once he saw Juyeon. Juyeon...he looked stunning, as always. It had been the middle of winter, and the younger showed up in one of those long blazer coats, looking so very  _ chic _ and yet  _ boyfriend  _ at the same time.

He laughed so much that day. Laughed, and screamed and yelled and by the end of it his cheeks were red from exertion, his stomach and cheeks hurting from how much he had screamed and smiled, yet he was so happy. Juyeon had slung an arm around Hyunjae’s shoulders as they watched the parade of goofy animal characters go by, the two of them not really watching but just so content to be with each other, that they didn’t mind.

Some nearby vendor was selling the cute animal headbands and Juyeon had convinced him to get a pair - which is why Hyunjae picked a set of black cat ears for Juyeon, always thinking that his boyfriend looked like a giant house cat and Juyeon picked out a set of soft beige teddy bear ears for Hyunjae, the two of them taking the picture that was displayed proudly in Hyunjae’s room just before they left the park.

It’s not until he sees the droplets of water hitting the glass does Hyunjae realize he’s crying. Sniffling and rubbing at his eyes, as he shakes his head and lightly slaps his own cheeks in an attempt to stop the tears. 

_ ‘Why are you being like this? Stop it, you know things will work out, eventually,’  _ Hyunjae thinks to himself, as he wipes his eyes once more. He blinks a few times, before carefully wiping the tear drops off the glass, eyes lingering on their happy smiles for a moment longer. He doesn’t know why his heart seems to ache so much deeper when looking at the picture, nor why his hands are shaking when he goes out to touch the cool glass, finger tracing over the smile on Juyeon’s lips gently.

_ ‘I need to get some sleep. I’m all over the place,’  _ Hyunjae tells himself as he gently places the frame back on his nightstand once more. His eyes linger on the frame for just a second, before he forces himself to pick up the book and read a chapter or two before he sleeps.

It would be a lie to say Hyunjae fell asleep right away, or that reading took his mind off his entire situation.

* * *

_ “Hyung, you’re gonna love this,” _

_ Hyunjae looks over at Juyeon from where he sat on Juyeon’s couch, scrolling through his phone. His boyfriend ran over, plopping himself down on the couch next to him and eagerly showing him his phone, the screen displaying a quaint little cottage amidst mountainous land. _

_ “What’s this?” Hyunjae asks, taking the phone. Juyeon is practically beaming as he swipes through the pictures for Hyunjae, showing different parts of the land.  _

_ “My grandmother used to go to this cottage often, in the summer mostly, to look for natural growing herbs and stuff in the mountains. But because her knees aren’t so good anymore she’s giving it to my parents, who really aren’t into that kind of stuff. But they said we can use it as a vacation house if we wanna take a trip out there in the summer and stuff!” Juyeon explains, smiling as he talks. Hyunjae is looking up at Juyeon a smile on his lips as well. _

_ “Really? Oh my gosh, that’s amazing!” Hyunjae responds, and Juyeon is quick to show him a picture of the garden. “Look at how big the backyard is! We can totally bring the guys with us and have a little barbecue party - it’s on the outskirts of Gyeonggi-do and there’s a lake nearby too, it’ll be super fun,” Juyeon says, and Hyunjae is nodding, smiling. _

_ “Hey isn’t that tree from that one picture of you as a kid?” Hyunjae asks, pointing to the big willow tree in one of the pictures. Juyeon is laughing as he nods and Hyunjae is looking up at the younger, his own smile broadening at the sound. God, Juyeon’s laughter would never fail to make him smile. _

_ “Yeah, that tree was one of my favourite things about her place. It was just really cool looking, I guess. It’s still really pretty,” Juyeon comments and Hyunjae smiles. He goes to entwine their fingers, the gesture getting the younger’s attention as Hyunjae presses a soft kiss to the back of Juyeon’s large hand. _

_ “Pretty boy with his pretty tree?” he says, and Juyeon is laughing once more, as Hyunjae grins, the younger yanking him closer with their laced fingers. “How about a pretty boy with his pretty tree and his even prettier boyfriend?” Juyeon responds, a cheeky smile on his lips, before pressing his lips to Hyunjae’s own. The older can’t help the way he giggles into the kiss, feeling Juyeon’s smile against his own lips.  _

_ “We should take a trip sometime this summer. The cottage itself might need some fixing up, but I think you’ll really like it, hyung,” Juyeon says, pulling away just enough to talk. Hyunjae is humming, as he leans in for another kiss, Juyeon complying all too easily. _

_ “Sounds good. Overnight trip?” Hyunjae asks, before Juyeon is capturing his lips once more. He smiles again, loving the way that Juyeon always seems so eager to want more, more, more and Hyunjae is always more than happy to give, give, give. He can feel the younger’s big hands come to settle around his waist, as Hyunjae rests his arms on Juyeon’s shoulders. _

_ “Right. Or we can do two days one night,” Juyeon suggests and Hyunjae is tugging him in closer so that their noses are touching, before saying, “Deal,” capturing his lips once more. _

_ He can feel Juyeon smile and laugh into the kiss, as Hyunjae smiles back, hugging Juyeon close to himself as he does so. _

* * *

The next few days seem to drag on forever. Each moment Hyunjae doesn’t hear from Juyeon only serves to make him feel like time slows down even more. He keeps checking his phone, thinking that somehow a notification slipped by him without him seeing (even though he has his eyes on his phone like a hawk).

It’s horrible. He’s just a mess of anxiety and the fact that he probably hasn’t gotten a proper night of sleep in a good month isn’t helping.

Hyunjae hates feeling like this. He hates feeling so  _ useless _ , as if he can’t do anything to fix the problem - and that’s the thing, he could totally march over to Juyeon’s apartment right now and refuse to leave until they talk it out, but he’s never dealt with an angry Juyeon before, which is why he’s being such a  _ coward _ .

In fact, he almost did just that, going so far as to drive to Juyeon’s place twice. Both times he sat in the parking lot for a good ten minutes, hyping himself up to go  _ talk  _ to him and yet, both times he only ended up psyching himself out with the endless streams of “what if’s” that threatened to swallow him whole.

And it doesn’t help that this seems to be the only thing Hyunjae can think about - he’s been unable to focus lately, on work, on self-care, on literally ANYTHING ELSE that is unrelated to this problem he’s in - it’s unhealthy, and he knows it and yet every attempt to try and fix it doesn’t get him anywhere.

He tries meditating. Exercising. Going for walks. All the things that usually help him focus only give him more time alone with his thoughts and it only makes Hyunjae wish he could turn back time so that he could beg Juyeon not to go, tell him that he was wrong, that he was  _ sorry _ .

_ ‘And there’s another one of my problems. I can’t, for the life of me, remember what we even argued about,’  _ Hyunjae thinks to himself. He doesn’t know why he can’t remember what led up to this and he hates the fact that he doesn’t. If he did, Hyunjae would’ve already planned out what he would say to Juyeon, explaining himself and why he did what he did. But with that vital piece of information just  _ missing  _ from his brain, he’s stuck.

_ ‘I can’t believe I’ve put myself in this mess probably because of something stupid I said. And I can’t even remember what stupid thing it was, which makes things ten times worse,’  _ Hyunjae thinks, frowning. 

Sighing, he gets up to grab something to snack on. He wonders for a moment if he should go for another walk, but decides against it, instead going to sit on his couch and gaze out the window for a bit.

He blindly watches the world go by, as he wonders about Juyeon. How he was doing. If he had eaten lunch yet. If he missed Hyunjae too. What he was feeling at this moment. A sigh leaves him again, as he opens up his yogurt cup, mind a whirlwind.

Hyunjae finds his thoughts drifting to the dreams he’s been having - in the rare times he does sleep, he’s been reliving memories of him and Juyeon, memories of a happier time, when Hyunjae practically lived at Juyeon’s apartment and vice versa, when every day he woke up to find the younger fondly smiling as him, a time of soft kisses and whispered ‘I-love-you’s’. 

Each time, Hyunjae finds himself upset when he wakes up, wishing nothing more to continue living in those memories, in those dreams. And each time, he just feels even more tired, thinking back to all of those long-gone days as he dragged himself to the bathroom, feeling dead on his feet as he got ready for the day.

A buzz from his phone has Hyunjae scrambling to get up, but he lets out a bated breath when he sees it’s Younghoon. Swiping his phone open, Hyunjae checks first to see if Juyeon had sent him anything (nothing, as usual) before opening Younghoon’s texts.

_ ‘Hey Hyunjae, just wanted to check in on how you’re doing. Been thinking about you lately,’  _ Younghoon writes, and Hyunjae smiles a bit. Younghoon has always been so considerate, the taller being so caring even when he was busy with his own life.

Hyunjae hesitates for a moment - he isn’t sure if he told Younghoon what’s going on - he’s been so exhausted and frazzled lately he doesn’t remember a lot of things (the five copies of the same document that he printed out lying on his desk is evidence enough of that), but he decides to answer truthfully. If he can trust anyone with this, it’s Younghoon.

_ ‘I’ve been better. Still holding on, though. But I’d be lying if I said everything is fine,’  _ Hyunjae responds, and Younghoon’s response is almost immediate.

_ ‘I know it’s hard, but things will get better. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here,’  _ Younghoon says and Hyunjae sends back a heart emoji before lying down on the couch, eyes closed. Hyunjae appreciates the offer, but he knows that ranting about how he’s such an idiot and a coward isn’t going to fix his problem. It’ll only serve to make him more upset with himself and he really doesn’t need that right now. Still, Younghoon is doing his best to help out, and that’s all Hyunjae could really ask from him.

Leaving his yogurt half-eaten, Hyunjae goes back to his work. Maybe if he forces himself to only think about the project proposal and nothing else, it’ll help him get something halfway done.

Hyunjae doesn’t end up finishing what was supposed to be a task that should’ve only taken a few hours until close to two in the morning, his mind still filled with Juyeon, Juyeon, Juyeon and exactly zero notifications from the one person he wanted to see the most.

* * *

_ The cottage is a small little house, sitting on the edge of a forest and out into the countryside. Hyunjae has never seen a place like this in Gyeonggi-do and his eyes are wide as Juyeon parks the car next to the building. _

_ Juyeon takes the liberty to show Hyunjae around, leading him through the neatly preserved downstairs and upstairs, most of the furniture covered with sheets to keep the dust off. But what Hyunjae is the most excited for is the backyard and his eyes instantly land on the giant willow tree that Juyeon loves so much. _

_ “It’s beautiful,” Hyunjae comments upon seeing the tree, head tilted back in an attempt to see the entire tree up close. Juyeon laughs, as he takes Hyunjae’s hand in his own and leads him to sit under the tree, the two of them leaning against the strong trunk. “I spent so many summers here, in this exact spot. It’s pretty special to me, you know,” Juyeon comments and Hyunjae looks over at him, a smile tugging at his own lips. _

_ “And...I’d like this place to become special to us in the future as well,” Juyeon says, looking back at Hyunjae. There’s a moment of stunned silence, before Hyunjae is smiling even brighter, eyes shining. “I’d really like that too. It might take a bit of work but...I’m up for it,” Hyunjae says, and Juyeon smiles, before leaning in to press a kiss to Hyunjae’s lips. _

_ “There’s actually something I’ve wanted to do for a while,” Juyeon says, as they separate. Hyunjae looks at him questioningly and Juyeon smiles, before saying, “A time capsule, of sorts. I saw it in a TV show when I was little and ever since then, I wanted to bury one under this tree. It doesn’t have to be anything spectacular, but...I’d like to bury one, with you,” he says, and Hyunjae is smiling brightly. _

_ “That sounds like fun! We can put some of our memories together in there and bury it here and then open it every three years or something, just to look back on our time together,” he says, and Juyeon nods. _

_ “Like a relationship diary,” he suggests and Hyunjae nods. “But more exciting.” _

_ They share a laugh, Juyeon is pressing a kiss to Hyunjae’s cheek, the older smiling brightly before returning the favour. “We should work on cleaning the house first, but after that I’d love to get started on this time capsule. We might need to make a few trips between here and Seoul though,” Juyeon muses and Hyunjae shrugs. _

_ “It’ll be a fun side project - something to keep us both occupied when we aren’t drowning in work,” Hyunjae says and Juyeon snorts, eyes rolling. “God, don’t remind me,” _

_ The action has Hyunjae laughing, as he stands up, leaning down to help Juyeon up as well. The younger whines cutely, but eventually gives in, taking Hyunjae’s much smaller hands in his own. _

_ “I love you,” Hyunjae says, looking at Juyeon fondly. And the younger breaks into the most beautiful grin, as he leans in to press a soft, quick kiss to Hyunjae’s lips. “I love you too,” he responds, voice soft. _

_ The words never fail to set Hyunjae’s stomach alight with butterflies, and this time is no exception. _

* * *

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_ 다신 못 볼 것 같아 정말 죽을 같아 _

_ I don’t think I can see you anymore, I think I’m really dying _

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* * *

The next morning Hyunjae wakes up with a raging headache and a weird feeling in his gut that tells him that he’s forgetting something. Shaking his head, he sits up, running a hand through his hair, wincing at the way his world seems to spin when he does so.

He sits, for a moment, feeling disorganized, when he hears the doorbell ring and Hyunjae jumps up.  _ ‘Oh,’  _ he thinks, as he shambles over to the front door.  _ ‘That must’ve been what woke me up,’ _

Hyunjae doesn’t know what he’s expecting when he opens the door, since he wasn’t anticipating any guests, but it definitely isn’t a man standing there, with a bouquet of flowers in his arms.

The blonde stares at him blankly for a moment, before blinking at him, not recognizing him. The man, however, looks down at his clipboard, before he asks, “Are you Lee Hyunjae?”

“Uh, yeah, that’s me,” Hyunjae says, before clearing his throat. His voice is still sandy and he rubs his eyes, before the bouquet is thrust into his arms. “This is for you, then,” the man says, before walking away.

Hyunjae stares after the man, before looking down at the flowers. He wracks his brain, thinking of what today might be, (and considering if there’s another Lee Hyunjae who lives in this building) as he re-enters into his apartment and goes to set the vase on the kitchen table. He notices a little card attached to the vase and tugs it off to open it.

_ Happy 6 years!  _

_ I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have a boyfriend like you, hyung. _

_ I love you a lot - never forget that, okay? _

_ \- Your Juyeonnie _

His eyes widen, as he reads the words over and over again. He couldn’t believe what he was reading. Juyeon? This is from his Juyeon? The card is typed out, so he wouldn’t be able to figure out based on his hand writing, but Hyunjae double checks the date and yes, it is indeed their anniversary.

_ ‘Six years since we started dating,’  _ Hyunjae thinks to himself, as he looks at his phone. He checks his messages and still doesn’t see anything from Juyeon, but with this bouquet in front of him, he can feel his heart is a bit lighter.

_ ‘If he’s sent me these, he can’t be  _ that  _ angry,’  _ Hyunjae thinks to himself. His heart squeezes when he sees that the bouquet is a collection of tulips - Hyunjae’s favourite flowers, the ones that represent perfect love. It’s a mixture of red, orange, pink and cream coloured tulips, the sight making Hyunjae’s heart swell.

_ ‘Red means deep love, orange means desire, pink means affection, and cream means ‘I’ll love you forever’,”  _ Hyunjae thinks to himself, touching one of the soft petals gently. His smiles at the sight, and decides then - if he’s going to say anything to Juyeon, now is the best time to do so, with the perfect excuse.

Taking a deep breath, Hyunjae takes a photo of the bouquet, before going to his messaging app and opening it up, tapping on Juyeon’s name, typing out a short message and attaching the picture, before taking another nervous breath and pressing send. He stares at his phone, reading the short message over and over again.

_ ‘Juyeonnie - I got your flowers today. I really appreciate them, they’re beautiful! Happy six years to you too,’  _

He stares at his phone for a solid five minutes, waiting for any notice that he read it. Nothing. Chewing on his bottom lip, Hyunjae decides to send another text.

_ ‘Juyeon… can we talk? It’s been a while and...I would like to sort things out between us.’  _

He stares at his phone, hoping for something. Anything. But when nothing comes, he lets out a breath. He can’t expect Juyeon to drop everything and respond to him, especially after over a month of just silence - he’s waited this long, he can go a few more hours.

And so Hyunjae gets up and happily arranges the flowers in the vase, before bringing it over to the window to allow them to soak up some sunshine. Tulips don’t live very long, but Hyunjae would like them to last for at least a week or so before having to throw them away. The arrangement is really gorgeous, and he would love to take a few more pictures of them.

When Hyunjae is done, he unlocks his phone once more, checking his messages again, almost like clockwork. He’s been doing it so much these past few days, that he can’t help it. It’s only been about ten minutes, and there still isn’t a response, but he doesn’t mind. He can wait.

He hesitates, however, fingers typing out the words  _ I love you _ and  _ I miss you _ , both messages being deleted after a moment of thinking. He’ll tell Juyeon in person the next time they meet.

An hour later, Hyunjae checks and there still isn’t a response. To be fair, Juyeon would be at work right now, so he probably won’t be able to get back to Hyunjae during the day.

By lunch time, Hyunjae is wondering if he should try calling him, or maybe sending another text. There’s still silence, and he biting on his bottom lip as he waits for the microwave to go off, eyes darting between the phone and his food.  _ ‘Let’s not be clingy, Hyunjae. Just let him take his time to respond,’  _

It’s 6pm, and Hyunjae feels so  _ tired _ , but tries to remain optimistic.  _ ‘He’s probably just busy. Must have a lot of things to do,’  _

Hyunjae sighs when he climbs into bed, checking both the time and his messages to see that it’s midnight, and still nothing from Juyeon. He debates, before sending one last text, the words,  _ ‘Don’t work too hard! Remember to take breaks,’  _ with a heart emoji attached to the end sent.

He stays up an extra thirty minutes, before deciding to get some sleep. He’s meeting up with his friends tomorrow, after all, he can see Juyeon’s response tomorrow morning.

* * *

_ “You’re being unreasonable,” _

_ Hyunjae turns to glare at his boyfriend, eyes burning. “I’m the one being unreasonable? Yeah okay, sure, mister ‘I’m always right’. Of course I’m the problem here,” _

_ “Hyung that isn’t fair, you know that’s not true,” Juyeon starts, but Hyunjae is fuming. He doesn’t respond when Juyeon tries to grab his arm, jerking himself out of reach as he turns to give his boyfriend the meanest look he can. “Don’t fucking touch me. You can’t blame me for this when it’s not my fault,” _

_ A scoff. “Really? Is that the card you’re playing now? Acting like a victim?” Juyeon asks, voice incredulous. Hyunjae doesn’t respond and Juyeon is rolling his eyes. “Because yeah, of course, poor little you, not being able to have his wants met,” Juyeon sneers, and Hyunjae is throwing a pillow at him. _

_ “Shut the fuck up! You don’t get to make judgements about me,” Hyunjae yells, and Juyeon is crossing his arms. “Yeah, of course I don’t, it’s not like I’m the one who’s been putting up with you for all these years,” _

_ Hyunjae falters. Putting up? Is that really how Juyeon saw it as? His mouth opens but no sound comes out, as he stares back at Juyeon and the younger must realize what he said as he softens, voice ten times gentler as he rushes to say, “Fuck, no, I didn’t mean it like that hyung, I’m sorry, I’m such an idiot I-” Hyunjae cuts him off. _

_ “If you didn’t mean it why did you say it?” he asks, voice icy cold. Juyeon doesn’t respond and Hyunjae turns away. “Is this your way of saying you want to break up with me?” _

_ His voice wavers on the last syllable and Juyeon’s eyes widen, as he gets up. “No! No, hyung, I could never, I,” he looks at Hyunjae, but the older is turning his head. He refuses to let Juyeon see him weak, see him  _ cry  _ in a moment like this. _

_ “Get out of my house,” he says, voice quiet. Juyeon is still, as he says, “hyung,” voice so soft and so gentle. Hyunjae hates it. He hates how he’s able to be so calm, so caring, so considerate of his feelings, even in moments like this.  _

_ “I said get out! Leave!” Hyunjae yells, storming off to his room. He slams the door behind him, as he collapses on his bed, hiding his face in his pillow. There’s a moment of silence, before Hyunjae can hear the sound of the front door opening and closing and he sits up. _

_ Juyeon never left him alone when they fought. What was going on? _

_ ‘Whatever. I wanted him gone anyways,’ Hyunjae thinks to himself bitterly, before crawling under the covers. ‘We both need time to cool off,’ _

* * *

A permanent scowl has fixed itself on Hyunjae’s face, when he enters the cafe. His dream left him with a bad taste in his mouth and the fact Juyeon still hasn’t responded had him disappointed. He wondered if maybe Juyeon was trying to play hard to get? Either way, it had Hyunjae down and it didn’t help that the day was stressful enough without all of these extra factors.

“Hyung! Over here!”

Hyunjae looks up to see Kevin sitting with Jacob at a table in the corner and he tries to smile as he walks over to them. “Are the others not here yet?” he asks and they both shake their heads. Jacob has an arm casually slung over the back of Kevin’s chair, as Hyunjae sits down,

“What’s up? Bad day at work?” Kevin asks, immediately sensing the mood. Hyunjae sighs, as he says, “You could say that,” when Jacob is suddenly waving, and they both look up to see Younghoon and Changmin entering the cafe, the couple smiling brightly as they come over.

“Changmin-ah! You left me on read, you idiot,” Kevin is yelling, as he goes to fake punch the other man. Changmin is saying something about not meaning to, as Younghoon is smiling at Jacob, hugging him, before going over to Hyunjae and pulling him into a hug too.

“Everything going okay?” he asks, and Hyunjae tries to smile back. “It’s better. Still not hundred percent but...better,” Hyunjae says. Having an indication that Juyeon still loves him is ten times better than having nothing at all. At least there’s that.

_ ‘If he was really pissed he wouldn’t have sent flowers, right?’  _ he reasons with himself. 

Hyunjae finds himself seated next to Jacob, as the others chat and Hyunjae is pulling the menu to himself. He tries to distract himself by looking through the options for drinks, debating between a caramel macchiato and a mocha latte when he hears Changmin yelling.

“Oh, look who decided to finally show up!”

Chanhee is walking into the cafe, coming towards them, seemingly out of breath. “You guys would  _ not  _ believe the traffic,” he says and Younghoon is rolling his eyes. “Just own up to it and say that you spent an extra ten minutes getting ready,” he says, and Chanhee is giving him the stink eye, as he sits down at the table.

“The one who organized the entire thing is late,” Kevin muses and Chanhee makes the move as if he’ll hit him, despite being across the table. Kevin just gives a little shrug, making Jacob laugh at the action.

“What’re you guys having? Chanhee is paying since he’s the last one,” Changmin declares, and everyone’s cheering drowns out Chanhee’s protests, making Hyunjae genuinely laugh for the first time in a while. God, it’s nice to get together with everyone once in a while. Feeding off of everyone’s positive energy has Hyunjae smiling every now and then, even giving him the energy to join in on the conversation and forget about all his problems for a bit.

By the time they’ve placed their orders, Hyunjae is grinning ear to ear as Changmin tells this story about this crazy customer who wanted a refund on a thousand roses when Changmin himself had triple checked with them himself that they indeed wanted one thousand roses and not a hundred. He’s laughing out loud, as Kevin is asking, “What the hell would he need a thousand roses for?!” 

“And how are you Chanhee? Seeing as you’re so busy and unable to be on time,” Younghoon asks, and Chanhee is grumbling as he answers. “Ugh, guys, I don’t know how you do it. Men are  _ so  _ fucking tiring you have now idea,” he says and Hyunjae makes the snarky remark of, “You know we’re all men too, right?” getting Chanhee to swat at him.

“There’s this guy I’m interested in - his name is Sunwoo and  _ god  _ he’s cute. But like my stupid ex is on my ass all the time and I’m this close to blocking him except for the fact we work together,” Jacob groans at that part, making a face. “That’s horrible! God, I never liked him,” he says and Chanhee is huffing. 

“I wish he’d just leave me alone. I have him muted because he always blows up my phone like hello? Some of us have actual lives?” Chanhee says, making Changmin and Kevin nod sympathetically. 

“Oh I remember when I first started talking to Juyeon. My own ex kept stalking me as if I’m not allowed to be happy with anyone else - thankfully Juyeonnie was able to get him off both of our asses by threatening to beat the shit out of him even though he doesn’t know the first thing about fighting,” Hyunjae chimes in, smiling at the memory. 

“How are things with...Juyeon, and stuff?” Younghoon asks delicately. Hyunjae doesn’t notice how the entire group is staring at him and only responds with, “Oh you know. Same old. I miss him a lot, but things will get better,” he says, waving him off. The waiter arrives at that moment with their drinks and the four slices of cake they ordered, placing the items on the table. Hyunjae doesn’t notice how Chanhee and Changmin exchange worried glances, nor the way Kevin clears his throat uncomfortably and says, “So how are you doing, Younghoon hyung?”

The conversation shifts to the taller, as Younghoon tells them all about his workplace, how his boss is convinced that their office is haunted and such. Changmin is eager to chime in with his own thoughts, explaining how Younghoon’s office is indeed kind of scary and he personally really likes it, which has Younghoon scoffing and rolling his eyes. Hyunjae smiles, trying to get invested in the story, but finds himself checking his phone once more, feeling a bit on edge that Juyeon might try and get in contact with him while he’s out.

_ ‘Your life doesn’t revolve around him,’  _ Hyunjae sternly reminds himself, as he forces his hand away from his jacket pocket. Instead he takes a sip of his coffee and a bite of the chocolate cake in front of him, as he listens idly to the others' talk.

“I’m pretty sure if your office was haunted someone would’ve seen or felt something by now,” Jacob says, regarding the couple across from them amusedly. Younghoon agrees, saying something along the lines of how it’s probably nothing, but that doesn’t deter the excited look on Changmin’s face as he says, “But how cool would it be, seeing an actual ghost! If it ever happens try and get it on camera for me, would’ya?” he says to his boyfriend, making the others laugh at Younghoon’s twisted up face.

“Wait Chanhee, you said this Sunwoo guy is cute?” Kevin asks, before putting a bite of carrot cake into his mouth. Chanhee nods, as he pulls out his phone, Kevin already leaning over and saying, “Do you have proof to support this statement?” and Hyunjae finds himself also leaning in to look.

The picture Chanhee shows him is clearly ripped from his instagram and Chanhee is zooming in on the brown haired man with deep double eyelids and thick lips, his entire face holding the feeling of both toughness and softness at the same time. Kevin is oo-ing, as he takes the phone from Chanhee, showing the picture to Jacob, who looks clearly interested.

“He’s cute,” Kevin says, handing the phone back to Chanhee, before saying, “Not as cute as my Cob, but pretty cute,” the words making Jacob laugh as Kevin leans into the older.

Hyunjae is about to chime in on how he approves when his phone suddenly rings. His entire body jolts like he’s been electrocuted and he’s jumping up from his seat, getting the entire table’s attention on him as he suddenly says, “I have to take this!” and runs outside.

His heart is pumping.  _ ‘It’s Juyeon,’  _ he thinks excitedly.  _ ‘Juyeonnie has finally decided to let me explain, to let me fix things between us,’  _

His hands are fumbling with the device as he answers the call excitedly, saying a bubbly, “Hello?” slightly out of breath and a big smile on his face.

There’s a beat of silence. And then the words,  _ “Are you interested in joining a group of excited and curious individuals who want something more out of life?”  _ from the words of an automated machine. The excitement dies in his eyes, as he slowly lowers the phone, letting the words of the mechanical voice drone on.

_ ‘Oh,’  _ is all he thinks, as he hangs up, eyes unseeing. 

He walks back into the cafe, silently going to sit next to Jacob once more, not saying anything as he takes a big bite of the coffee cake, unseeing to the way everyone glances at him. Changmin’s in the middle of telling some grandiose story and Hyunjae is too lost in his own thoughts to notice the way the younger slows down, eyes darting between Hyunjae and the others, concern clear in his eyes.

_ ‘He just needs time,’  _ Hyunjae thinks to himself, as he tries the matcha cake. A rueful smile comes to his face as the taste hits his tongue.  _ ‘Juyeon’s favourite’  _ he thinks, as he chews. He doesn’t notice the way the others all glance at him, before finally, Kevin speaks up.

“Are you alright hyung? You seem a bit...down,” Kevin asks, and Hyunjae pauses, seeing that all eyes are on him now. He takes a sip of his coffee as he sighs. “I’m...I guess it’s been a bit hard lately. I…” he looks around at his friends, before putting his coffee down. If he can share his burdens with anyone, it’s them. Perhaps they would be able to offer some advice on how he should go about apologizing to Juyeon.

“I didn’t want to bring other people into this but...it’s about Juyeon,” Hyunjae starts. He misses the way Chanhee and Changmin exchange worried glances, distracted by the way Jacob puts a reassuring hand on his back, encouraging him to go on.

“It’s just that lately...we got into a fight. A big one. It got out of control really quickly and god, I don’t even know what we were fighting about, but Juyeon he just...he just stormed out. And I haven’t seen him in  _ weeks _ and he won’t call me or text me and I even sent him a few messages and just. Nothing. And I don’t know what to do,” Hyunjae ends up word vomiting all his problems, as his friends listen.

There’s a heartbeat of silence once he’s done. Hyunjae is too busy feeling like a weight has been lifted from his shoulders to notice the expressions of his friends, varying from concerned to speechless. However, when the silence stretches, he looks up at them, taking in the concerned look on Younghoon’s face.

“What?” he asks, before looking at the others. Kevin looks like he doesn’t know what to say. Jacob’s eyes are filled with sympathy and worry, while Changmin is glancing at his boyfriend, mouth opening, but no words coming out. Hyunjae furrows his brow, about to ask what’s up with their expressions when Chanhee speaks.

“Hyung,” he says, voice soft and gentle. Hyunjae looks over at the blonde boy, who has what looks like  _ pity  _ in his eyes.

“Do you need one of us to take you home? It’s been a long day,” Chanhee says, and Hyunjae’s face is twisting up. “What do you mean? I drove here, I’m fine,” Hyunjae says, and he’s looking at the others. “What’s wrong with you guys?”

They all seem at a loss for words, but Chanhee speaks up once more. “We’re just worried about you, hyung. You seem like you haven’t been sleeping well,” Chanhee says, and Hyunjae rolls his eyes. “Psh, tell me about it. This whole argument has been keeping me up so late, I just can’t sleep,”

“Hyunjae-ya, I think Chanhee is right. Here, me and Kev came together, I can drive you back,” Jacob says slowly, and Hyunjae is frowning at the boy sitting next to him. “What? I’m totally capable of driving myself home, what’s wrong with all of you?”

There’s a beat of silence once more, before Chanhee speaks again. “Hyung. Juyeon’s not around anymore.”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous, why would he move?” Hyunjae says, but he can feel something akin to panic bubbling up within him. He doesn’t know why or what it is, but seeing the pity in Chanhee’s eyes, and the way Changmin looks like he wants to say something but doesn’t makes Hyunjae’s head start to hurt.

“Hyung,” Chanhee’s words sound far off and distorted, and god, he feels like the room is spinning. The quiet cafe seems all too loud all of a sudden, and Jacob's hand on his back feels too heavy. His eyes dart around the table, looking at the way they all look so  _ worried _ and Hyunjae’s mind is racing.

_ No. _

“Juyeon died three years ago,”

The words Chanhee speaks rings clearly in Hyunjae’s head.  _ No. _

“What?”

Hyunjae is looking at everyone, trying to see if they’re joking, but seeing the solemn look on Kevin’s face and the way Younghoon is avoiding eye contact, staring at the table hard, Hyunjae’s blood runs cold.  _ No. _

Suddenly his head hurts.  _ Yelling. Phone calls. Ambulance sirens. _

“It was a car crash, hyung,”

_ Hospitals. Crying. That horrid beeping noise _ .

“It wasn’t your fault,”

_ Black clothes. Mourning. Gatherings in the funeral hall, flowers and pictures of Juyeon hung up everywhere. His heart hurts. _

“Hyunjae? Are you okay?”

The words have Hyunjae coming back to earth as he looks at them. He only then feels the tears running down his face as he stares at them for a moment, before he suddenly stands up. His legs feel numb. Nausea rolls up in him at the sudden movement - god, he feels sick.

“I have to go,” he mumbles out, before he’s rushing out of the restaurant, keys in hand. He doesn’t hear Changmin calling after him, the only focus in his mind being Juyeon. Juyeon. Juyeon.

“They’re lying,” Hyunjae says to himself, as he starts his car. Juyeon. He couldn’t be gone, his bright, vibrant Juyeon. That’s not possible, he would never leave Hyunjae like that.

Hyunjae is gripping the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles are white.  _ ‘No. No, that’s not it, that didn’t happen,’  _ Hyunjae thinks to himself, as he drives. He doesn’t realize until he’s getting onto the highway where he’s going, as his mind is awhirl with thoughts. Juyeon.

_ An accident, they called it. Drunk driving, the guy ran a red light. He didn’t have much hope of surviving anyways, with the size of the truck and speed he was hit. Juyeon was just trying to get home _ .

Hyunjae clutches his head with one hand, tears spilling out of his eyes, as he stares ahead, aggressively wiping at his eyes. His phone rings, and the car lets him know it’s Younghoon, but he declines the call, only pressing forwards, stepping on the excelerator. The drive to the cottage is two hours, but Hyunjae is determined to make it there in one.

_ ‘He’ll be there. He’ll be busy cleaning up the house, and I can apologize to him then. I’ll let him say whatever he wants to me, but he’ll be there,’  _ Hyunjae thinks to himself. He doesn’t notice how his legs tremble slightly, hands shaking as he grips the wheel.

* * *

By the time Hyunjae arrives at the cottage, the sun has gone down. He’s not sure what time it is, but he’s hurriedly running to the door, ringing the bell multiple times, before fumbling with his keys and letting himself into the cottage.

The place is dark. Dust sits on the table by the door, and the entire house is only barely lit by the moonlight that floats in through the windows.

“Juyeon-ah!” Hyunjae yells, uncaring. He runs upstairs after throwing off his shoes, heart thumping as he searches the bedrooms. Each door is thrown open carelessly, as he searches, eyes wide. 

_ ‘No, he’s here. He’s going to be here, he’s not dead,’  _

“Juyeon-ah!” Hyunjae shouts even louder, hoping that his beautiful boyfriend would pop out of  _ somewhere _ , eyes twinkling, that adorable mischievous smile on his lips as he asks Hyunjae why he’s so worked up, taking him into his arms and kissing his tears away.

“This isn’t funny, Juyeon, where are you?” Hyunjae’s voice cracks on the last syllable as a sob escapes his lips. He’s running back downstairs, into the kitchen, the living room, the dining area. Empty rooms greet him each time, and Hyunjae can feel his heart ripping apart.

_ ‘They were lying, he can’t be gone,’ _

Hyunjae doesn’t bother to hold back the way tears run down his face, sobs shaking his entire body as he runs through the small house. He throws off his jacket, as Hyunjae just  _ cries _ . An inhuman sound escapes his lips as he wails, hands clawing at his chest because it  _ hurts.  _ Everything hurts, and Hyunjae doesn’t know how to get it to stop. He just wants it to stop. 

He wants Juyeon to come out from the garden, big smile on his face as he leans in for a kiss, telling Hyunjae about the butterflies he saw earlier, or the grandmother who came around selling fresh  _ tteok _ and  _ shikhye _ earlier that morning. He wants to be able to just hug him, tell him that he loves him, that he’s sorry for the stupid little argument that he doesn’t remember. He just wants to see him again, just once more, to tell him that he  _ can’t go on  _ without him.

But instead he just hurts. No matter how much he cries, no matter how hard he hits his chest, the sofa, the pain doesn’t ebb in the slightest. 

His eyes slide over to the kitchen, vision blurry with hot tears, and he stares at the backyard. And the next thing Hyunjae knows, he’s getting up, jacket left on the sofa and feet dragging as he goes to the backyard.

The cool night air hits his face, as he steps out, socks becoming damp as he steps into the silent grassy area. 

Silently, Hyunjae goes over to the little wooden shed in the corner of the fenced off area, and peers inside, before grabbing the shovel, and drags it over to the space where he stood with Juyeon, under his favourite tree, happy and giggling.

And he begins digging.

_ “We should come back here in a few years,” Juyeon says, as he throws the shovel aside. The little raised patch of soil amidst the green grass sticks out and Hyunjae finds himself looking at it fondly, as he bends down to pat the lump. _

The smell of wet dirt and grass fills his senses as he digs, blindly hoping he was in the right place.

_ “It’ll be fun to look back at all the memories we made. Remind us of all the happy memories - maybe we can even add some more stuff then,” Hyunjae says, smiling up at Juyeon. _

Tears stream down his face as he desperately digs, before throwing the shovel to the side and gets onto his knees, hands shaking as he rips up dirt, frantically searching. “Where is it, where is it, where the fuck is it, oh my god,” Hyunjae says to himself, voice shaking as he digs his nails into the soil, determined to tear the entire garden apart if he has to.

_ “Every three years, right?” Juyeon says, and Hyunjae is nodding. “Something short, and something to look forward to,” Hyunjae replies, and Juyeon laughs. “What about until we get engaged?” _

The dampness of the soil seeps into Hyunjae’s clothes, his blue jeans now stained with green and browns, his socks totally ruined. His nails are caked with mud, but he doesn’t care, as he strains his eyes, looking for the little brown box they buried.

_ “Engaged?” Hyunjae is shocked that Juyeon would bring up something like that, and Juyeon laughs. “Are you not happy with that thought?”  _

_ “No, of course I’m happy! It’s just… you know, anything could happen in a relationship,” Hyunjae says, and Juyeon is smiling, as he takes Hyunjae’s hands in his own. _

He’s this close to grabbing the shovel once more, when he hits something hard, and his eyes widen. His hands scramble to move the mass of soft dirt, as he uncovers more and more of the familiar brown box, caked in dirt, but still untouched from the day they buried it.

_ “Don’t be silly. I could never leave you, hyung. You’re my everything,” Juyeon says, before pressing the gentlest of kisses to Hyunjae’s lips. _

He’s finally able to pull the box out, hands shaking as he opens it. Even under the dim lighting of the moonlight, he’s able to make out the letters they put in there. Little love notes that Juyeon would leave Hyunjae and that Hyunjae would start to return.

He pulls them out carefully, in stark contrast to his desperate and frantic movements just prior, as he places them neatly on the grass, before moving onto the other items in the box. The pair of metal elephants they bought at a fair trade market. The movie stubs from their very first movie date. A copy of  _ Demian _ , the book that they fought over at the library during one of their first encounters. Pictures, so many pictures of them. Happy, smiling, laughing, kissing. 

A dry sob heaves through Hyunjae’s body as he takes in the sight of them, of  _ Juyeon.  _ Juyeon being happy, Juyeon being the most precious human being with his angelic smile and his never ending patience. Juyeon who was always able to be the bigger person, never afraid to admit he was wrong. Juyeon being  _ alive _ .

By the time he reaches the last photo in the box, Hyunjae can hardly see through his tears. He scrubs them away, uncaring of the mess he makes, smearing dirt and mud onto his face in the process. And fresh tears well up when he sees the very same photo he had of them on his nightstand, their date at Lotte World, the biggest smiles in the world plastered onto their faces.

A loud sob leaves him, as he just  _ wails _ , cradling the silver frame to his chest, as he slumps down in the hole he made in the ground, sobbing. Nothing can compare to the emptiness he feels in his chest, the Juyeon shaped hole that the younger boy left in his life.

* * *

“Shit, Changmin, I told you that you shouldn’t have continued sending the flowers,”

Younghoon is unhearing to the way Kevin is yelling at his boyfriend, and is instead hurriedly calling for the waiter. He’s known Hyunjae for a while now, and while the blonde is usually rational enough to not do anything too damaging, it seems like whenever it came to Juyeon that rational thinking went out the window.

“We should look for him. I don’t think he should be alone right now,” Younghoon says, as he hurriedly pays for their drinks. Jacob is already standing up and nodding, as Chanhee follows suit.

“Where would he have gone?” Jacob asks, and Younghoon frowns. “I can think of a couple of places. Why don’t you guys go look for him at his apartment? Maybe even Juyeon’s old place… the funeral homes aren’t open now, so I don’t think he would go there…” Younghoon lists off a couple of places, before his eyes widen.

“I think I might know where he is,” he mumbles, as he hurriedly puts on his jacket. They rush outside, and Younghoon is running to his car, before he stops when he sees Changmin about to follow suit.

“Babe, I’m going to be driving out to the cottage… I don’t know if you wanna come all the way there with me, you have work tomorrow,” he says, and Changmin is frowning. “I’m not going to let you go alone. It’s going to get dark soon,”

“I’ll be fine… I’ll call you, if anything. Go with Chanhee and get him to drop you off at home later,” Younghoon says, and he’s about to get into the car when Changmin stops him.

“You...you don’t think this is my fault, right?” Younghoon looks at him, his boyfriend’s eyes wide and voice small. Younghoon lets out a sigh, as he goes around the car to pull Changmin into a hug. “No, of course not. You were just doing your job. Juyeon paid you to continue sending flowers to Hyunjae for the next 20 years, you were just carrying out what he wanted. Though… maybe next year don’t add the note,” Younghoon says, before pulling away.

“I’ll see you,” he mumbles against the side of his head, pressing a kiss as he goes. Changmin nods, as he watches Younghoon get into his car, before calling out “You better call! Let me know if you find him,” Changmin says, and Younghoon nods, before he turns on the GPS, getting ready for the long drive ahead.

_ ‘Hyunjae-ah, you better be okay,’  _ Younghoon thinks to himself as he pulls the car into gear and begins driving.

* * *

After two hours, Younghoon recognizes the path, heart in his mouth. The forest is eerie at night, and he prays he didn’t come out here for nothing.

His prayers are answered, however, when he spots Hyunjae’s car parked in front of the cottage, and he hurriedly parks his own beside his, pulling his phone out to text the group chat that he found him.

Running to the door, he knocks, before trying the handle, surprised to find it open. The lights aren’t on, but he spots Hyunjae’s jacket on the floor of the living room and goes to pick it up, before he runs up stairs, calling Hyunjae’s name the entire time.

The bedroom doors are all flung open carelessly, and Younghoon can feel worry welling up in him as he goes from room to room, no trace of the blonde anywhere. He’s this close to panicking and calling the police, when he looks out one of the windows and he sees a sizable hole dug in the backyard.

Going back downstairs and tugging on his shoes, Younghoon is going around the cottage to the back, eyes scanning the dimly lit grassy area. A brown box sits on the grass, with what Younghoon assumes is its contents spread out on the grass, seemingly placed gently. He peers into the hole, relieved to see it’s empty, and he’s about to turn and go into the house when he sees him.

Under the night sky, he almost misses him, but the little bit of movement brings Younghoon’s attention to the figure sitting under the willow tree, his view obscured by the hanging branches.

“Hyunjae?” he calls out, before approaching him slowly. Brushing the branches aside, his eyes widen as he takes in the sight of his friend, covered in mud, his socks so dark they look almost black, and his face smeared with traces of mud. There are two trails leading from his eyes down his cheeks that are a bit cleaner than the rest of his face, the sight making Younghoon’s heart ache for his friend.

Hyunjae’s head moves ever so slightly to look at Younghoon, his eyes glassy and lips trembling. Younghoon isn’t sure if it’s from the cold or from something else, but he sees the picture frame in Hyunjae’s hands, cradled so closely to his chest, his thumb smoothing over the metal of the back.

“Hoonie,” he says, voice dry and small. “I think Juyeonnie is mad at me… he isn’t returning any of my calls.”

Younghoon lets out a small breath as he says, “Hyunjae,” once more, crouching down to his level, the blonde looking at the picture frame once more. “Let’s get you inside, okay? It’s too cold out here,” Younghoon checks his phone as he sees Kevin telling him that he’s on the way with Jacob, and Younghoon tries to smile reassuringly to Hyunjae.

“Kev and Cob are on their way right now, let’s get you cleaned up, alright?” Hyunjae doesn’t seem to be hearing any of Younghoon’s words, as he grips the picture frame even harder.

“We fought… but I just can’t seem to remember what the argument was about…” he mumbles, voice far off sounding. Younghoon’s heart breaks for Hyunjae once more, as he just says, “Hyunjae-ah,” 

“Maybe I should try calling him… just one more time,”

.

.

.

.

_ 다시 내게 돌아와 어떻게 살아가니 난 _

_ Come back to me, how am I supposed to live? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect this to come out this fast tbh lol, but this fic really wrote itself so I hope you enjoyed! (Pls don't expect the other three to come out as fast because I need to focus on school as assignments are starting)
> 
> As I stated in the beginning, this fic was based on [BAP's song 1004 (Angel)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sGolQ9LzbkY&ab_channel=TSENT2008) \- this entire anthology will be based on different songs (you'll soon see that I am indeed a huge 2nd gen stan lol)
> 
> Side note: there's two things I would like to clear up in regards to this fic - I wasn't sure if these two came across so just explaining here lol
> 
> 1\. Hyunjae's perception of the fight (Juyeon just left) vs what actually happened in the fight (Juyeon leaving because Hyunjae told him to) - this was done purposefully because I wanted to show how Hyunjae is not a trustworthy narrator
> 
> 2\. Hyunjae not remembering what caused the argument - this was done on purpose because I wanted to hint at how whatever happened wasn't a few weeks ago like he thinks but actually so long ago that he doesn't remember - also that he's not only forgetting what caused the argument, but also something else (that being Juyeon's death)
> 
> ANYWAYS I hoped you enjoyed/are sad(? because it's angst..? So like...if I made you sad/cry then I succeeded, right...?) 
> 
> As always, thank you for reading and any lovely comments you leave~ They really make my day reading even the simplest of keyboard smashes ^^
> 
> \- Eunhae

**Author's Note:**

> A short series I'll be working on over time.
> 
> Random updates since school, but posting something at least has locked me into a commitment - I'm not sure how long these chapters will be, but as this is an anthology, let me be clear - each chapter is it's own mini story. The Hyunjae and Juyeon in the first chapter will not be the same as the Hyunjae and Juyeon in the other chapters. Same characters, different lives.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! Hope to see you in the first chapters~  
> \- Eunhae


End file.
